By now, news of a celebrity sex tape release isn’t much news at all. We’ve become accustomed to the knowledge that, when it comes to making sweet sweet love, the rich and famous do it just like the rest of us: Hot, heavy, and often to a level of awkwardness that we pray the rest of the world never sees. Unfortunately (or fortunately, in some cases), the celebrity’s place in society is one of maximum visibility, and if video is made of a dirty deed, that video will most likely become visible to the world.
For those who wish to keep their bedroom lives secret and their reputations (relatively) intact, what can be done? We know that not filming themselves having sex is not an option because that’s what us normal schlubs would do, and celebrity cognition is on a level far beyond where mere mortal minds dwell. No, for those who thrive in the limelight, keeping dirty secrets requires deeper thought and cunning.
Choose Your Medium Wisely
I can’t stress this enough, people: Do not record your sexual escapades on your cell phone. Remember Fred Durst? He fronted the rap rock outfit Limp Bizkit, who brought us such nuggets of foreshadowy goodness as “Nookie,” in which our hero claims that he did it all for the titular prize. In 2005, Fred was the proud owner of a Sidekick–so proud, in fact, that he couldn’t even put it down when an anonymous young ladyfriend was servicing him.
There was a span of a few months when a number of celebs got their Sidekicks hacked, and what the hackers gave the world from Mr. Durst’s ??? proved that while his bizkit may not be limp, it in no way measured up to his braggadocio. Stick to Betamax, folks–it’s a little less likely that your deficiencies will go viral.
What Celebrities & Normal People Use for Sex
It’s not just for celebrities and porn stars, but normal people like you and me take Viagra to help maintain an erection when having sexual intercourse. Personally, I wouldn’t take it unless I had a problem…Not saying what others would do. Keep in mind that if you do take Viagra and you have a boner that last for more than 4 hours, you should visit the ER right away!
So if you need a boost in your sex life, then ordering Viagra online just might be right for you. Just make sure you tell your Doctor, so you don’t die or something like that.
Go With the Flow
When most of us hear the phrase “celebrity sex tape,” the first image that comes to mind is Pamela Anderson Lee and Tommy Lee on a honeymoon cruise, celebrating the sacrament of wedlock in a variety of joyful and pleasing ways. Can I get an “amen?”
The recording made it into the hands of a less-than-scrupulous distribution company, the couple sued, the company coughed up $1.5 million, and two celebrities of questionable talent had their 15 minutes of fame extended to eternity. Seriously–Mötley Crüe would have followed most hair bands into obscurity if Tommy’s prodigious member hadn’t become a household word. Note: This tip will likely not work for a performer with even a modicum of integrity.
Eliminate Shame from Your Repertoire
I was once asked if I had ever watched the seminal teen comedy Saved by the Bell. Yes, I answered, but I had an excuse: Tiffany Amber Thiessen. The more daring may claim that chick from “Showgirls” as their reason for tuning in. But for the few who like to live life like it’s a box of mescaline-laced chocolates, Dustin “Screech” Diamond is the only reason to give up 30 minutes of precious life on such broadcast chum. Not since Urkel has there been a role that would shame an actor and destroy any chance for career advancement. That’s not to say that Dustin didn’t try. In 2006, porn peddler David Hans Schmidt promoted a video of Diamond and two willing (paid?) ladies engaging in a plethora of sex acts, including the legendary ‘Dirty Sanchez.’
It was soon revealed that not only was Dustin aware that the tape was on the market–he created it and “leaked” it in a desperate gamble to revive a career that was already far beyond death. As much as that makes my skin crawl, such a complete lack of shame, dignity and general common sense is–in a twisted way–admirable.
Indie darling Chloë Sevigny has rarely shied away from edgy roles, from the yuppie killer’s would-be victim in American Psycho to one of Bill Paxton’s three wives in Big Love. But by far, Chloë’s most infamous role is as Daisy in actor/director Vincent Gallo’s The Brown Bunny.
Despite its child-friendly title, the movie is not a giddy romp for the family for you see, it features a well-publicized scene of Ms. Sevigny performing fellatio on Vince Gallo–no stand-ins, no CG, and no animatronic genitalia, just straight up, hardcore sex in all its glory. In the hands of lesser talents, this would be called pornography, but by Hollywood standards, this one has been labeled art–art that, despite its artiness, was never released in the US. Must’ve been too arty for those lowbrow ratings people to wrap their teeny little brains around.
The upside of this is that if any sex tapes surface of this respected and award-winning actress, we will look at and note with our best critical eye that it does not match up to the cinematic aesthetic of The Brown Bunny.
And need we even mention…
Invest in Security
David Bowie once sang that fame “makes a man think things over.” If celebrity sex tapes are any indication, the Thin White Duke takes a mulligan on that particular bit of lyrical wisdom. Kim Kardashian, Tonya Harding, Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton, Joanie “Chyna” Laurer, Kid Rock–the list goes on of celebs whose recorded sex romps were “leaked” to distributors. How exacly do these things “leak,” anyway? Am I naïve to think that if you have a tape of an event that you want to keep private that there are simple steps that can be taken, like… I don’t know–locking it up in a safe, lockbox, or cabinet that has a lock that will lock the cabinet and keep it locked unless you the key-bearer decide to unlock it??? Lockety lock lockula in a locka locka ding dong?
And for those whose sex tapes were released by jilted/greedy/stupid ex-partners, additional security may entail being a little more careful about who you screw. Mr. Bowie also said, “Is it any wonder you’re too cool to fool?” Looking at the list in the previous paragraph, it’s not a stretch to imagine that any of these celebrities believe that they can have normal love lives like us regular schlubs and find partners who would not turn on them for a quick buck. It’s almost sad; in the heat of passion, they forget that even when they’re between the sheets, they are still in the limelight. And when I say “almost sad,” what I mean is, it’s hilarious.
Written by: Roger Goodwin, an accomplished writer who currently writes for eDrugstore.md, a safe online pharmacy. You can view other entertaining stories by Mr. Goodwin, such as The History of Viagra.