Television

The 30 Sexiest Female TV Characters

by Jabba on June 18th, 2009 · posted in Television · 1 Comment

If you’re a big fan of the almighty tube (really, who isn’t?), you would’ve realised by now it’s like some sort of heavenly bordello that collects the hottest women in the world all in one place and gives you access to channels upon channels of 1800-number commercial porn bikini clad, schoolgirl outfit wearing, tight leather jumpsuit donning females that would fuel many red blooded males’ perverse fantasies. How it doesn’t just spontaneously combust by containing all that sexiness like a pre-teen boy’s pants after seeing a picture of a vagina in a Sex Ed book for the first time is certainly beyond me. But what makes these women sexy? Is it just their looks? Their bodies made for sin? Their raw, simmering sensuality? Charm? Wit? Intelligence? Humor? Butt kicking skills? I found it was all these, plus I was amazed at their ability to transform any piece of garbage filled with unsightly acting into watchable, one hour art FOR (INSERT NUMBER HERE) SEASONS. It was extremely hard to whittle this list down to just 30 and if I had my way, I’d let all the TV women folk have their way with me. I mean, I’d let them all in this humble writer’s list. I have a lot of love to give.

So here they are, in no particular order. Hey you at the back – stop your fox whistling.

Max Guevara from Dark Angel (played by Jessica Alba)

You know you’re hot when you emit steam while posing.

What is she?

A genetically enhanced super soldier trained as an assassin from the early age of 9.

Why is she sexy?

This transgenic babe with a face that can launch a billion ships can kick anyone’s ass, with the agility and fighting prowess that would leave James Bond in a quivering, creamy mess upon a chance encounter. She’s also sassy and quick witted, loves dressing up in tight outfits (notably leather) that hug that voluptuous body, can ride a motorbike and apparently comes into ‘heat’ – experiencing wild sexual urges occasionally as a result of her feline DNA. As Paris Hilton would vapidly say, “That’s hot.” This is the only time I’d love to be around a woman when she’s having her “time of the month”.

Where you’ll find her

On top of the Seattle space needle, gazing into the world and being all emo.

Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar)

Also an aspiring actress, Buffy played the lead role in the prequel, Basic Instinct: The Lolita Years

What is she?

Girl next door by day, appointed “chosen one” vampire slayer by night.

Why is she sexy?

Good things come in small packages and Buffy is the prime example. Small yet powerful, she can render a vampire or a four horned demon dead in a mere few seconds. Charmingly beautiful, with wit and attitude to match her awesome ability to slay all kinds of creatures that always seem to pop out of that pesky Hellmouth. I’d even go so far as to hang out with that sparkly prettyboy, Edward Cullen, if it meant getting a chance to have a one on one fight with this blonde cutie. And by fight, I mean jump on top of her and play “Guess this vampire’s weight?”

Where you’ll find her

Probably sucking face with a vampire in some crusty tomb. Sorry boys, she really has a thing for the undead. This Twilight business is really getting out of hand. What devilry are you playing, Stephenie Meyer?

Echo/Caroline Farrell from Dollhouse (played by Eliza Dushku)

Echo cunningly used this approach to tackle the unwanted problem of a perv asking her to show him “the twins” during an assignment.

What is she?

An “active” or a “doll” that essentially belongs to a group of men and women who can be programmed with memories or skills to carry out particular assignments.

Why is she sexy?

Wilful, confident, with matching problem solving skills that transcend the parameters of her programming and not to mention drop dead gorgeous, Echo is the most requested “doll” in the Dollhouse and I’m not surprised why. Her most frequent task it seems, involves that of a sexual nature for potential clients. Duh. Let’s see her use those alleged problem solving skills to break out of my bearhug of death. I’ll be holding onto you tight forever, sweet, sweet Echo.

Where you’ll find her

Running around L.A. trying to save someone’s life, solving a crime or giving pleasure to some undersexed old geezer who misses his late wife. Yech.

Kimber Henry from Nip/Tuck (played by Kelly Carlson)

Wanting to be treated respectfully and not like some piece of meat, Kimber wised up and wore clothes.

What is she?

Aspiring model/actress turned successful pornstar entrepreneur. Don’t confuse the real Kimber with her new line of life-imitating-art Kimber sex dolls though.

Why is she sexy?

She just oozes sex. Period. She also possesses this Marilyn Monroe type quality that drives me wild. I’m also down for any woman who’s willing to act out a man’s hottest sexual fantasies to please him, which include ahem, dressing up like a hooker in a secluded alleyway and as a kinky nurse who tells her man they’ve been a naughty, naughty doctor. She also has this cute, vulnerable side that makes me want to cuddle her for all eternity. As a pornstar, she certainly isn’t afraid of her sensuality and sexuality. And that to me is just plain sexy.

Where you’ll find her

In a porn DVD, coming to a Blockbuster near you.

Mandy from 24 (played by Mia Kirshner)

Don’t let that angel face fool you, she can castrate you in but a blink of an eye.

What is she?

Terrorist and professional assassin.

Why is she sexy?

Highly intelligent hitwoman with a sweet angel face and a rocking body to boot, Mandy is the perfect example of a mob boss’ wet dream. Trained in all forms of assassinry, she can kick some serious butt, which is fine in my books, as long as the butt kicking translates to some sort of playful spanking on the derrière of some kind when it comes to me.

Where you’ll find her

You can’t. She finds you.